still guarding my heart, still on the computer, still havent gotten any texts from you even though we both have verizon.
i miss you!
thats all.
darn. i have been engulfed by the forza lingo. my everyday language now includes phrases like "I'm having an AWESOME time!" and "Okaaaaay.... YUP!"I knew it would happen sometime, but ugh. My every response wants to be okaaaay yup or okaaaay nope. Then I am like, ughh NO! Anyway... thats only a sidenote.
i hope this doesn't sound too harsh, because its not meant to be. but i am so over it. SO over it. it being settling for less than what God has planned for me. i have had friends let me down before, as well as family. guys who treated me terribly. people who used me because i can't say no. and although all these things have hurt me in some way, God has used the experiences to shape me into who i am now. i have learned to be so much more forgiving, because it is one thing for someone to hurt you, but when you let bitterness stay in your heart... they continue to hurt you for weeks, months, even years. i've found that bitterness towards one person can hurt your other relationships as well. i've also learned the fine art of saying no. turning people down. it is probably one of the hardest things for me, because i always want to help. but spreading myself too thin was hurting me and in turn not producing any fruit in any areas of my life. even though i have learned a couple of these hard lessons, i still want and ask for things that might not necessarily be the best for me. whether it be material things like clothes or cars, or just plain money in general, or relationships... i have a limited perspective.
i can't remember which exact one it is, but there is a nooma video about how rob bell's son wants this cheap toy. but rob was already planning on buying his son this nice, new kickball. shiny... super cool. the ULTIMATE kickball. but his son didnt know that. all he knew was that this little cheap ball on a string was cool at the moment. it was all he could see. he wanted it soooo bad! he was in the mall crying and begging for it. but his dad knew better. he knew the string would get all tangled around his wrist and the ball would smack him in the face, and then break and it would just not be as fun as his son thought. he said that his son's perspective was limited. eventually, rob bell had to carry his son out of the mall... and took him to buy the new kickball.
the parallel obviously that we are like the son. i am like the son. i am like a 2 year old in the mall who wants that cheap toy so badly! i am begging and pleading and negotiating to get the stupid little toy. i think that having these clothes will make me happier, having this car will make me happier, if only that person liked me i would be so happy! but the toy will break. i wont enjoy it. it wont make me happier. unfortunately i dont know that, my perspective is limited. and God is saying, wait meagan, wait... I have something so much better for you. just trust Me.
"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" -Matthew 7:11
there are so many times where i have wanted one thing, and God said no. i didnt get it at the time, but when He finally revealed to me why He said no... i understood. He had something better for me! i know there are things in my life right at this very moment. things i am begging God to do. but i need to learn to fully trust that whether He gives me what i ask for or not, He knows what is better for me. which is weird to think. for me specifically. meagan marie maki. daughter of dan and jana, resident of orting, employee of forza coffee co, sister of jarvis, best friend of amanda, lover of rain, coffee, and coldplay... ME! He isn't just making an assumption based on popular vote. it is what He has planned specifically for this human [meagan].
i dont know if this all makes sense... i am kind of just writing it all down for myself to reread. but we'll see. typing is so much easier than writing stuff out.
ps- i met dino rossi today.
so whoa, i am twenty. i have been for a while now, a month and some days? i'm not going to lie, there are things i already dont like about this age. i have bills. oh the bills! student loans, car insurance, car payments... not cool. but the blessings that have come with turning twenty far out-weigh my stupid bills. bills aren't important, you know? God will handle that. i have complete faith that He will provide the things i need. over the past month [or maybe few months, but i will just say past month to go with the theme of turning twenty ;)] i have gained, and strengthened, so many relationships. i have said it before, but my heart is overflowing with love. my friends are seriously WONDERFUL! i couldn't ask for anything more from them! these friendships are so much stronger than any friendships i have had in the past [with the exception of amanda, who i have been best friends with since 7th grade. dude, she rocks!]. my heart rejoices when they are blessed, and mourns when they are hurting. i can admit that in my life, i have a track record of inconsistency in praying for loved ones, but recently that has completely changed. i love nothing more than to pray for my friends. for amanda and her classes and homework and labs, and all the stuff that i am so thankful to NOT have to do. for julia and her job at the church, as well as her search for another job. for all my friends at work [because we all need extra, extra stregnth, patience, and grace at such a high stress job :)]. for the high school girls at fusion, and the high school girls that i see at work and around town that don't know Jesus. i find that i enjoy being quiet more than i ever have before because it gives me a chance to pray for all these things. which fills my heart with joy.
WOW.
WOW is an understatement to how my week has been. Words cannot explain my joy. I just had quite possibly the best week I have ever had [which is strange because its in the wake of my car being totalled... haha]. I love my jobs: being a barista downtown and interning at Bethany. I have the opportunity to meet and develop relationships with SO MANY people. It blows me away everyday. I have the best friend I could ever ask for. She is always there for me [so cliche, but its true], and she also tells me when I am making a bad decision. I am so glad that God put us in each others lives! Amanda is awesome!! Beyond her, I have several groups of AMAZING friends. My heart is spilling over with joy. My stomach is full of raptors [and no Julia, I will not do my impersonation]. I am so excited to leave tomorrow and visit the people I, without hesitation, call family. I miss them terribly! But I know that when I am gone, I will miss everything here. Although it stinks loving people so much that are on complete oppisite sides of the country, I would rather be far apart than not have them at all!
remember this old picture? i love it so much! my huge smile and pure joy because i am hanging out with the two most amazing boys i know. dax is laughing with his hands in my crazy hair. and cole making a funny face... the one I usually make. oh man, i love these boys so much!! only 3 more days till i head to alabama and get to see them!! yay!!!
